Weddings

April 25, 2009 at 12:37 PM 3 comments

Weddings are extremely boring affairs if you are not the bride or groom. Or those people who get off on weddings, like that girl from 27 Dresses.

Unless you’re getting paid for it, never ever voluntarily plan a wedding β€” especially the seating arrangements.

People don’t understand the concept of deadlines. You have to say yes or no, because banquets are not simple parties, where a few more or a few less bodies won’t make a difference. Banquets have seats involved, and seats cost money. Furthermore, it is especially rude and inconvenient to cancel and then uncancel, and them mention that you’re bringing a few more people that the bride or groom doesn’t even know.

Secondly, it is extremely interesting the gifts given by Asian families. Of all the things, there were fish maws (stomachs), bird nests (not the fiber-rich twig kind, it’s the one made from birds’ saliva), oranges, lots and lots of them, as well as liquor.

Yesterday, we had to take some family pictures, and my was it aggravating. The one family with a tradition of being late set a new record, I think, and then I felt that the only reason why we hired a studio was because they had a studio (which is essentially the ability to hang a rather large rag. They were so inefficient, and it’s like they’ve never heard of “windows” (spaces between heads where you fit yours). So their solution to getting everyone’s face into view was to create (an extremely unsafe) ad-hoc riser out of a bunch of Yellow Pages. Whoever taught the assistant photographer English must’ve accidentally switched punctuation with “okay.” “Move your head a little to the left, okay, nobody blink, okay? Okay, 1, 2, 3, okay, one more, okay? Okay. You’re not tall enough, okay. Let me get you another phone book, okay? So you can hit the ground harder when you fall, okay?”

Speaking of photographers, I don’t know why they hired professional photographers. We have enough amateur ones in the family (you can tell by the way they use flash, even though I keep telling them not to).

At any rate, I’m free until the banquet at 5 o’clock, after which I shall complain some more.


The banquet was a whole different story from the morning.

Us cousins got a whole table to ourselves, and we consumed 20% of the apple cider (there were 48 bottles, and we drank at least 10). When it came time to toast, we all grabbed a bottle, clunked ’em, and chugged.

Never leave your drink unattended, though. Although I’m sure they weren’t planning date rape, one (or more) of my cousins spiked my drink with champgne. I thought I smelled something when I was drinking, but I thought it was leftover cider. At any rate, we each probably drank enough cider to ferment into alcohol all on its own.

Banquets are an awful waste of food. There is no possible way to finish all nine courses or so. Next time, remind me not to eat so much appetizer (but then we’d be wasting the appetizer).

Interestingly, fish eyeballs are a bit like Alka-Seltzer β€” they fizz when you drop ’em in cider.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m the next guy in the family to get married. They had this “teddy bear” toss, basically a bouquet toss, only there’s one for the guys as well. I caught it.

Dancing, yes, I must learn to dance…

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3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Yeena(:  |  April 26, 2009 at 6:05 PM

    aww you watched 27 dresses (: i love that movie~
    those gifts are expensive! fish stomach and bird nests cost a lot -.-; and they taste good too. especially fish stomach. someone gave my dad two of those and we had soup πŸ˜€
    WTF CIDER OMG LUCKY~ they just serve coke and sprite at the ones i went to.
    LOL aww, married next! (:

    Reply
  • 2. The Matchmaker  |  April 26, 2009 at 8:35 PM

    Yes… young grasshopper… you will be the next one to be married. You will be married to someone who watched 27 dresses, like you, and have had experience with expensive wedding gifts. I think you will be married to the commentor above by the name of Yeena…

    hmm… your future looks bright. Not only will you get married at 22, you will be a salesman. You will sell for S. Martinelli and Company, until you are 46. When you turn 47, you will resign from your job as a salesman and become CFO for the Welch’s Company.

    Your daily glass of Welch’s grape juice will not harm you, as you will have a healthy heart and a really large stomach. However, you will become vegetarian by age 32 after you choke on Yeena’s overcooked London Broil.

    I also sense that you will play golf as a hobby. You will not be good enough to play in the PGA, but you will be good enough to prevent a head injury to a spectator.

    hmmm… you future does look bright. Your life will look exciting. Don’t get mad at bad grades because school will be a breeze. Live everyday and dont have temper issues. Be optimistic. Your future is bright.

    The Matchmaker is a self-made matchmaker.The Matchmaker is not responsible for anything. Listen to him at your own risk.

    Reply
  • 3. Person  |  May 4, 2009 at 9:52 PM

    The exceptional lateness was not the idea of any of the younger persons of the supposed infamous family.

    Reply

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