Archive for April, 2009

Weddings

Weddings are extremely boring affairs if you are not the bride or groom. Or those people who get off on weddings, like that girl from 27 Dresses.

Unless you’re getting paid for it, never ever voluntarily plan a wedding — especially the seating arrangements.

People don’t understand the concept of deadlines. You have to say yes or no, because banquets are not simple parties, where a few more or a few less bodies won’t make a difference. Banquets have seats involved, and seats cost money. Furthermore, it is especially rude and inconvenient to cancel and then uncancel, and them mention that you’re bringing a few more people that the bride or groom doesn’t even know.

Secondly, it is extremely interesting the gifts given by Asian families. Of all the things, there were fish maws (stomachs), bird nests (not the fiber-rich twig kind, it’s the one made from birds’ saliva), oranges, lots and lots of them, as well as liquor.

Yesterday, we had to take some family pictures, and my was it aggravating. The one family with a tradition of being late set a new record, I think, and then I felt that the only reason why we hired a studio was because they had a studio (which is essentially the ability to hang a rather large rag. They were so inefficient, and it’s like they’ve never heard of “windows” (spaces between heads where you fit yours). So their solution to getting everyone’s face into view was to create (an extremely unsafe) ad-hoc riser out of a bunch of Yellow Pages. Whoever taught the assistant photographer English must’ve accidentally switched punctuation with “okay.” “Move your head a little to the left, okay, nobody blink, okay? Okay, 1, 2, 3, okay, one more, okay? Okay. You’re not tall enough, okay. Let me get you another phone book, okay? So you can hit the ground harder when you fall, okay?”

Speaking of photographers, I don’t know why they hired professional photographers. We have enough amateur ones in the family (you can tell by the way they use flash, even though I keep telling them not to).

At any rate, I’m free until the banquet at 5 o’clock, after which I shall complain some more.


The banquet was a whole different story from the morning.

Us cousins got a whole table to ourselves, and we consumed 20% of the apple cider (there were 48 bottles, and we drank at least 10). When it came time to toast, we all grabbed a bottle, clunked ’em, and chugged.

Never leave your drink unattended, though. Although I’m sure they weren’t planning date rape, one (or more) of my cousins spiked my drink with champgne. I thought I smelled something when I was drinking, but I thought it was leftover cider. At any rate, we each probably drank enough cider to ferment into alcohol all on its own.

Banquets are an awful waste of food. There is no possible way to finish all nine courses or so. Next time, remind me not to eat so much appetizer (but then we’d be wasting the appetizer).

Interestingly, fish eyeballs are a bit like Alka-Seltzer — they fizz when you drop ’em in cider.

Oh, and did I mention that I’m the next guy in the family to get married. They had this “teddy bear” toss, basically a bouquet toss, only there’s one for the guys as well. I caught it.

Dancing, yes, I must learn to dance…

April 25, 2009 at 12:37 PM 3 comments

Immune to Tests Now?

The number of Facebook quiz notifications popping up on my news feed is ridiculous. There’s what element are you, and what Charlie Brown character are you, and probably will be (if it doesn’t yet exist) which one of the Three Stooges are yo.

Who in the world makes up these quizzes? Have they given kids in some third-world sweatshop computers and told them to start writing them? At least they’re learning English.

Worse, why are so many people answering them? There’s an option to Hide either the person or the quiz. I normally choose Hide Quiz, but I’m thinking real hard if I should choose the other option.

Whatever happened to the test (or quiz, whatever) phobia that we all shared as kids going through school? Have we become indifferent to the torture we go through at the end of every chapter?

What’s next? Studying for these Facebook quizzes?

April 19, 2009 at 11:27 PM 1 comment

Eastern Medicine: Round 3

Round 3 is the worst of all.

No more bugs, but I have to add this blue powder to my medicine.

It’s absolutely horrible. It smells like a cross between seaweed and sesame seeds, and apparently does not mix well with liquids. It forms a layer on top, and even collects into little balls that seem to remain dry. Globs also form, and are apparently indestructible. When you try to break them apart by smushing them on the side of the bowl, it simply flattens. I’ve even witnessed them forming cleavage lines and reproducing by binary fission.

I have pictures, and even a video, but I’ll spare you, this time.

April 15, 2009 at 4:47 PM 2 comments

Thing that don’t need to be shared

Adobe produces truly wonderful products.

However, they leave terrible first impressions when you’re trying to install them, and they leave terrible last impressions as well when you’re trying to uninstall them.

I was trying to install Adobe’s Master Collection CS3, thinking to complement the Photoshop and Dreamweaver I already had on my computer.

Unfortunately, the Setup kept failing, and telling me to see the Setup Log for details, and thoughtfully forgetting to mention where I might find that Setup Log.

So I decided to uninstall Photoshop and Dreamweaver. Each time, it took about ten minutes (ridiculously long considering their file sizes). What’s extremely annoying was that these Shared Applications, Adobe Bridge and Stock Photos and more, took up 90% of the uninstall time. I believe that they have the potential to be extremely useful, but I do not use them AT ALL. Nor do most amateurs, I suspect, and so I have no idea why Adobe decided that they have to be MANDATORY with each installation.

Why I also had to uninstall it twice (once with PS, once with DW), is beyond me.

When I installed Master Collection, you might think that the Shared Apps wouldn’t take that long compared to the rest of the software.

Think again. It still took up 90% of the install time. Adobe must install it once for each program you select to install, which is redundant and a waste of time.

But nevertheless, despite this silly goof-up that Adobe has made, their software is too good to do without. Maybe they’ll have rethought that in CS4.

April 10, 2009 at 8:55 PM 1 comment

Snap! Crackle! Pop!

It’s 1:30 in the morning, and you’re trying to sneak down hallway into your room after having a random telephone conversation involving jellybeans. You’re perfectly quiet, with feet as silent as a cat’s padded foot.

You raise your foot for another step. Then suddenly: “Pop!”

You wince at the disturbance of the peace, and hope that no one in the house has heard it.

Moving on, “Crackle!” This time, you not only hear it, but you feel it too. It’s coming from your foot, which you haven’t oiled, lotioned, or pedicured ever since you were born. Now the bones are making like Rice Krispies had betraying your position to the monsters under your bed. Must have been that glass of milk you chugged as part of your midnight snack.

Happy feet, much?

April 8, 2009 at 9:29 PM 1 comment

Eastern Medicine: Round 2

Yesterday, my mom took me to see a Chinese witch doctor.

She seemed nice enough, but she pissed me off a little by acting cute in an old-lady way, like it wasn’t the twentieth century and women had to be meek and mellow.

So she took my pulse, looked at my eyes, and said that I haven’t been getting enough sleep. No kidding. You don’t need a Ph. D. to diagnose eye bags. Nor do you need one to tell how tall someone is. Of course, she didn’t provide a solution to that ailment.

After her examination, she started preparing my medicine. It seemed that the standard unit of measurement was in hands. A handful of something, split it into three piles, and then add a little more to make things even. No worries about overdoses. At least at the other place where I got my first round of medicine they used a little scale.

No bug shells. But there are some silk worms in there.

No bug shells. But there are some silk worms in there.

The end result is just about exactly the same as the first time around.

Eastern Medicine: Round 2

I managed to get most of the first bowl down, until I got to the bottom and felt some sort of sludge. I immediately regurgitated all of it.

Turns out, that sludge was honey. My mom tried to give it a spoonful of sugar, but when the honey has the consistency peanut butter, it just makes it worse.

A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine come up...

April 6, 2009 at 9:33 PM 4 comments


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