Archive for May 17, 2008

Elastic Menace

I have discovered another hazard to society. The problem is really serious. It has infiltrated the deepest levels of our populations, and there are new converts everyday.

The perpetrator is slimy, can be yellow bellied, green-skinned, and/or but not limited to red-necked. It’s always there, but you might never notice. The perpetrator is GUM.

The oral accessory that have become such a sensation isn’t all that sensible.

First of all, chewing gum wears down your teeth. You may not notice it, but it’s happening. Your sweet tooth won’t be craving much of anything, sweet or otherwise, once it’s full of tiny little cavities and all the other little wriggly things from the Listerine commercials. Chewing gum requires a constant, repetitive motion of the same few muscles; eight to be exact. As we all know, too much anything (except meat and typing), is bad for you and you may develop some chronic issues. Chewing Tunnel Syndrome, for one thing. There are even rumors of headaches developing from gum-chewing.

For those that must chew, why waste energy chewing away on what’s little more than a sweetened piece of eraser when you could be tenderizing a thick, juicy slice of beef jerky? As long as you resist the urge to swallow, voila! You’ve got a new gum. Beef jerky cannot currently be stuck behind your ear for storage, but there is ongoing research.

But chewing gum is just plain old annoying. People make this irritating “Jchk jchk jchk” sound when they’re chewing. But worst of all, it’s the irresponsibility of gum chewers.

All you have to do to see the wide extend of this problem is take a look under a desk then next time you’re in a high school. It’s a colorful world down there, isn’t it? Ever wonder what those black spots are on the cement? Yup, you guessed it. It’s gum.

Today, I have become another casualty of the ever present threat of GUM, which I have found out is impossible to eradicate. There is now a wad of the stuff on the bottom of my sandals, and after changing out of my swim gear, discovered a patch that somehow found its way onto my backpack. After playing a rather long game of tug of war in biology, I have managed to remove much of the guck from my backpack, although some still remains, complete with that fresh chewed minty fresh smell.

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May 17, 2008 at 4:45 AM 1 comment


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