Need a Moment?

May 3, 2008 at 5:16 AM 3 comments

Don’t you ever get that craving for something sweet, salty, chewy, and brown?

I do quite often, and I fulfill the urge with Twix – only if there isn’t any beef jerky handy.

I’m always looking to eat meat, but there never seems to be enough of it lying around, or at least in the palatable form. Enter beef jerky, the best thing since the invention of meat itself.

What’s not to like about beef jerky? It doesn’t need refrigeration, it doesn’t need cooking, and it doesn’t even need to be uncanned. You can bring it anywhere for that quick burst of protein to keep you on you on your feet. You don’t need one of those environmentally destructive plastic bags to like you need for trail mix. A paper towel will do just fine.

You don’t even need hands to eat jerky. Just pop a chunk in your mouth and start exercising your jaw muscles and do whatever needs doing. It may also help in rehabilitation of tobacco-chewers. Chewing beef jerky may produce salivation, which the patient may “spit” in the tobacco-chewing fashion. However, this is not recommended at is a waste of perfectly good beef jerky juice that should be savored instead. And unlike gum, you don’t even have to be a bad person and stick it under a table (that probably doesn’t belong to you) once it’s lost its flavor (which it won’t) – all you need to do is swallow.

Beef jerky also has its masculine appeals. Real men like meat. What’s more manlier than taking a stick of jerky and ripping a chunk off like a barbarian. Here me roar.

Nutritionally, beef jerky has no fat. Yup, you heard me, no fat. Not that I would care, but it doesn’t have fat because it is the nature of beef jerky to be mostly fat free.

Furthermore, beef jerky has non-gastronomic uses. If your shoes ever need a new sole, you can tack some jerky to the bottom of the shoe and it’ll be find. Or a rather stringy piece, stick it to a large slab of jerky and call it a sandal. Beef jerky also makes a rather nice fly swatter, and to a lesser extent, an instrument of child arse-abuse*. If you happen upon a creature rather desperate for hominid flesh, beef jerky can usually prove to be a nice distraction.**

Need a moment? Chew it over with Jerky.

*Moufflets is not responsible for any action taken as a result of this post. Child abuse is frowned upon in most lax Western societies who pass “No Child Left Behind” acts and may be punishable by law.

**WARNING: This is not a proven survival technique. Moufflets is not responsible for any action taken as a result of this post. Also, do not attempt any heroic attempts to save the beef jerky that you used as a decoy, for that would negate its purpose, nor should you eat the jerky in the presence of a carnivore.

Advertisements

Entry filed under: Food, Revelations.

Fundraising Poll Best Burger on Earth

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Anonymous  |  May 6, 2008 at 4:29 AM

    LOLZWTF
    hilarious
    😀

    “Need a moment? Chew it over with Jerky.”
    haha that should be in like an advertisement or something.
    lolz

    Reply
  • 2. Christine  |  May 8, 2008 at 2:43 AM

    Beef jerky also has it’s masculine appeals.

    If your shoes ever need a new sole, you can tack some jerky to the bottom of the shoe and it’ll be find.

    processed beef jerky sounds disgusting and incredibly bad for you. you’re seriously gonna get heart disease -_-x

    Reply
  • 3. Korn  |  May 9, 2008 at 5:02 AM

    Yeah, I love avocadoes too.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback this post  |  Subscribe to the comments via RSS Feed


Calendar

May 2008
S M T W T F S
« Apr   Jun »
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
25262728293031

Blog Forecast

  • Cloudy with a chance of moufflets.

Feeds

Open to interpretation. All poorly constructed humor and errors are merely figments of your own imagination.

By viewing this content, whether reproduced here or elsewhere in any form, you realize that said content is product of a persona, and you agree to hold the persona separate from the identity of the author.

Copyright © 2008 - 2010 Moufflets.
All rights reserved.

Certain images are used without permission. Please notify if this presents an issue.

Creative Commons License
This work by Moufflets is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.


%d bloggers like this: