Archive for May 3, 2008

Need a Moment?

Don’t you ever get that craving for something sweet, salty, chewy, and brown?

I do quite often, and I fulfill the urge with Twix – only if there isn’t any beef jerky handy.

I’m always looking to eat meat, but there never seems to be enough of it lying around, or at least in the palatable form. Enter beef jerky, the best thing since the invention of meat itself.

What’s not to like about beef jerky? It doesn’t need refrigeration, it doesn’t need cooking, and it doesn’t even need to be uncanned. You can bring it anywhere for that quick burst of protein to keep you on you on your feet. You don’t need one of those environmentally destructive plastic bags to like you need for trail mix. A paper towel will do just fine.

You don’t even need hands to eat jerky. Just pop a chunk in your mouth and start exercising your jaw muscles and do whatever needs doing. It may also help in rehabilitation of tobacco-chewers. Chewing beef jerky may produce salivation, which the patient may “spit” in the tobacco-chewing fashion. However, this is not recommended at is a waste of perfectly good beef jerky juice that should be savored instead. And unlike gum, you don’t even have to be a bad person and stick it under a table (that probably doesn’t belong to you) once it’s lost its flavor (which it won’t) – all you need to do is swallow.

Beef jerky also has its masculine appeals. Real men like meat. What’s more manlier than taking a stick of jerky and ripping a chunk off like a barbarian. Here me roar.

Nutritionally, beef jerky has no fat. Yup, you heard me, no fat. Not that I would care, but it doesn’t have fat because it is the nature of beef jerky to be mostly fat free.

Furthermore, beef jerky has non-gastronomic uses. If your shoes ever need a new sole, you can tack some jerky to the bottom of the shoe and it’ll be find. Or a rather stringy piece, stick it to a large slab of jerky and call it a sandal. Beef jerky also makes a rather nice fly swatter, and to a lesser extent, an instrument of child arse-abuse*. If you happen upon a creature rather desperate for hominid flesh, beef jerky can usually prove to be a nice distraction.**

Need a moment? Chew it over with Jerky.

*Moufflets is not responsible for any action taken as a result of this post. Child abuse is frowned upon in most lax Western societies who pass “No Child Left Behind” acts and may be punishable by law.

**WARNING: This is not a proven survival technique. Moufflets is not responsible for any action taken as a result of this post. Also, do not attempt any heroic attempts to save the beef jerky that you used as a decoy, for that would negate its purpose, nor should you eat the jerky in the presence of a carnivore.

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May 3, 2008 at 5:16 AM 3 comments


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