Fundraising Poll

April 28, 2008 at 2:23 PM 5 comments

I would like to thank everyone who voted for participating in my poll.

The topic seems weird, but I was applying to my school’s newspaper, and part of the application was to list fundraising ideas.

While filling out the rest of my application, I was mainly pro-carnivore. While saying, “meatmeatmeatmeat”, which if you notice says “eat meat”, it hit me that I could sell meat! In terms of meat, I was thinking something along the lines of tender filet mignon, USDA approved sirloin steaks, and juicy prime ribs. They protein could be denatured for eating right in front of you upon the external combustion heating device, just the way you like it, with your choice of all the classic seasonings (I recommend good ‘ole salt and pepper). We could also let you cook the meat yourself, and maybe say give you twenty to thirty minutes on the grill, because how long does it take to cook beef? For more exotic palates, we could have special offers for the more exotic parts of bovines. Finally, we could imitate the cookie dough fundraisers and send home chunks of cryogenized meat for Grandma to prepare with her secret recipe.

Plant matter could constitute of either vegetables or floral objects.

Perhaps I wasn’t being fair to soybeans when I labeled its category “Hazardous soy products.” You never know, however. Remember that it is possible that the soybean is a malevolent, sentient hive mind capable of mind control. I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t have gotten many more votes had I given it another name. Products may include high monosodium glutamate fermented essence of soy. While many types of bean curd may be sold, the odorous cousin known as Stinky Tofu WILL NOT be sold for the sake of public health.

Stationery consists of general office supplies, such as distracting exploding pens, and mechanical graphite pencils, commonly mistaken as lead pencils. Primitive wood-encased graphite pencils will probably be available as well. Compressed sheets of wood pulp fibers, rubber deletion devices, and rock paperweights from your backyard may be included. All stationary will probably be monogrammed with the school theme.

FINAL POLL RESULTS 2008/04/23 to 2008/05/01:

Meat's the obvious choice.

Total Votes: 58

A friend, Turkeyface, shall we say, told me to give out this little piece of advice from the Bad Driver’s Handbook by Zack and Larry Arnstein:

Keep tofu in your car in case of bikers. When stuck in traffic with these carbon based bi-wheeled lifeforms, toss the tofu out the window. The biker will leap out of their way to retrieve the disgusting chunk of soy, preferably into the way of a speeding truck. In any case, take this opportunity to speed ahead

***APPENDED 2008/05/28
I didn’t make it to the newspaper staff. At least I’m taking Advanced Orchestra.


Entry filed under: Polls, School.

Must I Explain? Need a Moment?

5 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Anonymous  |  April 30, 2008 at 4:34 AM


  • 2. the jerm theory by pasteur  |  May 3, 2008 at 4:19 AM

    this is just a random comment, but hey look… Gilbert Arenas of the Wizards says this,”I don’t golf,”“Walking and hitting balls—is that a sport?”

  • 3. Christine  |  May 3, 2008 at 11:53 PM

    okay. dude. 20 minutes is FAR TOO LONG. and take-home meat? -____-
    hazardous soy products..just ’cause of the MSG. i wouldn’t try stinky tofu, though. what’s it made out of.



  • 4. Korn  |  May 5, 2008 at 5:37 AM

    I suggest you sell nutritious novelties such as fruit pops, apples, and harry-potter-on-a-stick. Or you may sell Voo Doo dolls filled with thinly sliced ribeye covered with cheese whiz,my take on the Silly cheesesteak. Or you can always eat some fish stdicks with tartar sauce. How about filet for three? Or Ultra stinky tofu shaped as a wiener, but smells like your number 4 subtract 8 muliplied by negative two. Bottom line: Eat the El Pollo Loco Man.

  • 5. Anonymous  |  May 5, 2008 at 5:47 AM

    turkeyface stole that from the handbook for bad drivers


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