Archive for April, 2008

Fundraising Poll

I would like to thank everyone who voted for participating in my poll.

The topic seems weird, but I was applying to my school’s newspaper, and part of the application was to list fundraising ideas.

While filling out the rest of my application, I was mainly pro-carnivore. While saying, “meatmeatmeatmeat”, which if you notice says “eat meat”, it hit me that I could sell meat! In terms of meat, I was thinking something along the lines of tender filet mignon, USDA approved sirloin steaks, and juicy prime ribs. They protein could be denatured for eating right in front of you upon the external combustion heating device, just the way you like it, with your choice of all the classic seasonings (I recommend good ‘ole salt and pepper). We could also let you cook the meat yourself, and maybe say give you twenty to thirty minutes on the grill, because how long does it take to cook beef? For more exotic palates, we could have special offers for the more exotic parts of bovines. Finally, we could imitate the cookie dough fundraisers and send home chunks of cryogenized meat for Grandma to prepare with her secret recipe.

Plant matter could constitute of either vegetables or floral objects.

Perhaps I wasn’t being fair to soybeans when I labeled its category “Hazardous soy products.” You never know, however. Remember that it is possible that the soybean is a malevolent, sentient hive mind capable of mind control. I’m pretty sure that it wouldn’t have gotten many more votes had I given it another name. Products may include high monosodium glutamate fermented essence of soy. While many types of bean curd may be sold, the odorous cousin known as Stinky Tofu WILL NOT be sold for the sake of public health.

Stationery consists of general office supplies, such as distracting exploding pens, and mechanical graphite pencils, commonly mistaken as lead pencils. Primitive wood-encased graphite pencils will probably be available as well. Compressed sheets of wood pulp fibers, rubber deletion devices, and rock paperweights from your backyard may be included. All stationary will probably be monogrammed with the school theme.

FINAL POLL RESULTS 2008/04/23 to 2008/05/01:

Meat's the obvious choice.

Total Votes: 58

A friend, Turkeyface, shall we say, told me to give out this little piece of advice from the Bad Driver’s Handbook by Zack and Larry Arnstein:

Keep tofu in your car in case of bikers. When stuck in traffic with these carbon based bi-wheeled lifeforms, toss the tofu out the window. The biker will leap out of their way to retrieve the disgusting chunk of soy, preferably into the way of a speeding truck. In any case, take this opportunity to speed ahead

***APPENDED 2008/05/28
I didn’t make it to the newspaper staff. At least I’m taking Advanced Orchestra.

April 28, 2008 at 2:23 PM 5 comments

Must I Explain?

Some say they hate school. Some say that the worst part of school is English (or math). Still others say the worst part of English is explaining.

Explaining is already annoying. Yes or no. That’s all I want to give as an answer. It’s really unfair, by the way. The teachers get to write one line while we have to write five in return.

The worst part of all is when you have to explain the obvious. There are times when I’d just like to throw my pen across the room and scream, “Because it is!!!” and crumple the paper up. I assume that whoever is going to read my work couldn’t be so possibly stupid that they couldn’t get the point after one or two sentences.

The teachers want us to make something out of nothing. Please write an entire page’s worth of stuff for this one thing. But there’s nothing to say! I’ve said what I’ve could say and they still want me write more! And so I sit there with my hand stroking my nonexistent beard trying to think of some fluff for my essay.

Conclusions are also annoying. We always have to sum things up, but it feels so much like repeating myself. I’ve already mentioned it once in the topic paragraph and another time in the body paragraphs. So, as per English writing standards, I am going to conclude this post by repeating myself: explaining stinks.

P.S.: At some point, I am also going to rant about the Modern Language Association. And symbolism.

HALF-BAKED IDEA:
Pending revision for failure to meet Moufflets Quality Standards.

April 25, 2008 at 10:36 PM 2 comments

Moral Meat Eating

Why is it considered so bad to eat meat, health concerns aside?

Do people consider it cruel? Welcome to my world, a rather cruel one. That’ll be a $50 entrance fee by the way. Animals die everyday because of the forests you clear to grow your soybeans.

The plants make themselves food, the animals eat the food, and we eat the animals. We should consider ourselves lucky to be at the top of the food pyramid. I wouldn’t want to be a cow in another world. My world is also a Darwinist one, among other things, and it’s survival of the fittest, and as the fattest, I say we deserve to eat meat. In fact, it was eating meat that allowed us to first develop our abnormally large heads and meet that sometimes annoying speaker named Jiminy Cricket that says killing animals is bad.

Are you not being cruel to plants? Just because plants don’t have that bundle of neurons that some of us know as a brain doesn’t mean they’re not sensitive to pain. When you continuously clip a plant, does it not grow in the other direction? Does its crunchy cry of death not make you think twice about eating it? The plants are still photosynthesizing when you mercilessly pull them by their roots out of the ground. Do weeds, as annoying as they are, not deserve to live among side your precious vegetables? This is a case of irrationality and human bias. Because plants are not warm and fuzzy and do not look cute, people do not have qualms about killing them.

So we have animal farms that take productivity a little too far. What about your plant farms? I’m sure plants don’t like it when they’re jammed together side by side in neat little rows and genetically modified and then sprayed with chemicals. Nor do they like roasting inside one of your greenhouses. When they’re all nice and fattened, a big machine comes and violently rakes them out of the ground, after which they’re sent to big factories where they’re sliced and diced and made into chop suey.

If we didn’t eat the animals, then they would multiply unchecked and upset the natural balance of things. Imagine all that bovine feces and flatulence we would have to face if cows were allowed to run rampant. Then they would eat all your plants and then where would you be? Resist the temptation … resist it … hah! Guess you’re just going have to learn how to chug down some bloody protein.

So all you vegans out there: shut up about animal cruelty and go find some piece of green in the dirt to chew on. More meat for the rest of us.

April 24, 2008 at 2:09 PM 3 comments

Until the STARs Fade pt.2

Until the STARs Fade pt.1

Well, I’m done with the English portion. As usual, it was overwhelmingly boring with a few hard spots. Not that I didn’t know my stuff. It’s just that some questions had those unfair answers that I just couldn’t choose between.

Then from there we had one hour to figure out some way to entertain ourselves within the confines of a classroom. Me, I just took out my iPod and continued working on my Bejeweled High Score, which was on Level 18. Right now, I’m currently on Level 21. It takes longer and longer to complete a level at this stage. Maybe I’ll set a world record.

Our proctor happened to be an Algebra 2 teacher. With tomorrow being a math test, he said that we all needed to know Standard Deviations among other things. Well, apparently, the school system must be a little whack because being an Algebra 2 Honors student, I had no idea what a Standard Deviation was, as did every other honors student who did not over achieve.

[CENSORED: Sensitive information. To be released after I have graduated from high school]

Someone also brought his MacBook Air. First of all, snobby show-off. Second, why in the world are you using a Mac in the first place? He said he was going to do his English homework, but soon gave into temptation and started playing an offline flash game (probably because he couldn’t get a good game on his Mac). Well, I hope that crash course on Standard Deviations and probability will help tomorrow.

April 23, 2008 at 12:15 AM 2 comments

Until the STARs Fade pt.1

Twinkle, twinkle little STAR, how I wonder where you are?

Back in middle school, the Standardized Testing And Reporting (STAR) tests were more or less the reason we went to school. That star-crossed week would come, and most of us were dying from a month-long anticipation. We’d bite our nails, take the test, and as soon as it was break began sharing answers in direct violations of the rules. As a result, we’d either bite our nails some more or manage to be able to sleep half of the recommended number of hours that night. Then the next morning we’d repeat the process. When the whole ordeal was over, the whole ordeal would fade from our minds until the middle of summer. Just when we started if the scores would ever arrive, the colorful pieces of paper that decided whether or not you went to two after schools instead of one next year would mysteriously materialize in your mailbox.

Here in high school, the STAR testing week came upon us almost all of a sudden. We were just back from Spring Break, and when we find out, our jaws drop. What? Already? I personally was wondering where the STAR tests again, and was beginning to suspect that maybe, just maybe, we didn’t have to take those smartness measuring things. Apparently, these once feared tests were eclipsed by the fate-determining might of the SAT’s. It was only up until the few days before did teachers make any efforts to bulk us up and hope that they had done their jobs correctly.

If you know how to study, you’ll be fine. The test covers way to much stuff for a mortal person to study for. You were supposed to memorize, not necessarily understand, everything your teacher has taught you over the past seven months. So go grab some shuteye and just hope to the Great Probability that you remembered everything. Studying just makes things worse.

But some people are stilled worried about it. My algebra teacher, for one, was extremely concerned for our scores. Of course, no one is truly that altruistic and he was only worried because if did poorly, it would reflect negatively on the city and thus lower his property values. Ironically, he’d rather slave on about trigonometry than take a day off to help us review.

As I sit here composing this post, a mere twenty minutes before I hurry off to take the first STAR test of the week, I wonder if it will be like any other before. Will it throw our schedules into total anarchy? Will it cause us to experience hair loss? There’s only one way to find out. Wish me luck.

Until the STARS Fade pt.2

April 22, 2008 at 2:14 PM Leave a comment

Limit One Per Customer

This morning, noon, or afternoon, my family and I made a trip to McDonald’s for lunch. We had in our possession four McDonald’s coupons. The fine print on them was some of the longest I ever saw:

Expires 5/5/08. Valid only at participating McDonald’s restaurants in Los Angeles, Orange, Riverside, San Bernardino, and Ventura Counties. Current prices and participation based on independent operator decision. Prices may vary. Not valid in conjunction with any other offer, discount, coupon or combo meal. Cash value 1/20 of 1 cent. Limit one coupon per person per visit. Plus tax if applicable. Price of required purchase posted on menu board. Coupon may not be transferred, copied or duplicated in any way or transmitted via electronic media. Valid when product served. may not be valid for custom orders. © 2008 McDonald’s.

When placing our order, the cashier proved extremely annoying and unsympathetic. “I’m sorry, but it’s only one coupon per person,” she whined. I’m already risking my heart eating there and they want to give me a headache? Luckily, our family happened to be one of four, so we each had to take a place in line so that we could make use of all the coupons.

This system is rather stupid. First of all, McDonald’s printed those coupons, so they should expect to make a smaller profit than usual. Then they complain when we use more than one coupon during a transaction on separate items.

Say I buy a Big Mac (which really isn’t as big as it looks on the pictures), and use a “Buy one Big Mac and get another Free”. So I get two Macs for the price of one. Then I also buy a Cinnamon Melt and use a “Buy a Cinnamon Melt and get a Free Medium Iced Coffee” coupon for a hundred-ninety calorie overdose of sugar.

So in reality, I’m getting a two Big Mac’s, a Cinnamon Melt, and an Iced Coffee for the price of a Big Mac and an Iced Coffee when using the two coupons at once. If I used them separately, I would have gotten two Big Mac’s for the price of one AND a Cinnamon Melt and an Iced Coffee for the price of a Cinnamon Melt. If my passing Geometry Honors with two Asian fails say anything, I think the two equations come out the same.

Okay, so we’re using the coupons “in conjunction with other offer(s)” and other purchases. It’s not like we’re using the coupons on something we got for free, so McDonald’s isn’t losing money.

They also have this “per visit” thing. It would be assumed that a visit would consist of walking through one of the several doors that a McDonald has and then walking out through the same or different door. So I go in, buy something with a coupon, and then leave. I then return on a second “visit” and use another coupon.

What would that leave McDonald’s with? A lesser profit, since they have to waste another piece of a paper, another tray to clean, a table to wipe, etc… and a less satisfied customer. McDonald’s then argues that a “visit” means once a day. Well, I frankly don’t see what difference it makes other than make me madder.

Furthermore, “valid only at participating McDonald’s restaurants only”. What the hey is this? McDonald’s presents itself as a chain restaurant. Therefore, every restaurant is expected to be more or less the same. One McDonald’s should be the same as any other McDonald’s restaurant, and I don’t want to have to walk into one only to find out that the restaurant isn’t participating because the owner didn’t feel like it and have to go to another just to use that discount. Don’t you know there’s a fuel shortage going on? I’m not even going to talk about “prices may vary”.

On a side note, the coupons may be worth $0.0005, but apparently they were also selling on eBay for a dollar or two. The auction for that problem causing piece of paper closed a couple hours ago, so I can’t find the link.

April 20, 2008 at 10:10 PM 3 comments

Communist Chinese School

I’ve always had this suspicion deep down inside, and now I know I’m right. My Chinese school is Communist.

My Chinese school is part of a larger organization that claims to help the world and save the needy.

Everyone is equal, so they say, and every one is part of the school, even if they don’t want to be. So, they stick us all in collared shirts, and with the coming of next year, uniform pants, just like their uniform loving Communist cousins Asia, to say that we all belong and that we’re equal. Whatever happened to free will? Furthermore, don’t they know that there are needy people in the world without clothes? We already have clothes, and these stupid monogrammed uniforms could be used to clothe little children.

They also have culture classes such as how to host tea parties, attempting to keep their culture alive in a world where everyone is trying to assimilate into one big melting pot. Now the “traditional” in China is whatever the dramas are doing. They also require us to perform childish songs. The most disgusting part of it all is when those retarded “aunts” and “uncles” put on manufactured smiles and treat high schoolers like little kids. If we don’t do what they want, they try cajoling us with candy and sweet smiles. Then they pretend to get mad and frown and place their hands on their hips. Ooh, I’m scared.

Then they have the infamous reeducation classes, where they torture us to death via boredom. In these classes, they attempt to reeducate us on things that we already know, among them what to do during a fire and about global warming. The scary thing was that when teaching us about fires they had to read from a book, nor did they actual organize any fire drills. During these classes, they also showed us self-aggrandizing videos of themselves helping the unfortunate. A classic example of conceited Communist propaganda.

If you have ever seen a Communist parade, you will notice flags everywhere. Likewise, my Chinese school does the same, and speaking of parades, also like to host large performances to display their freak talent shows. Last year, I had the misfortune to perform with their half-arsed symphony orchestra. The ensemble stank, because everyone who could play a violin half decently was also smart enough to do something else, and there is no such thing as a symphony without percussion, the only reasons why band might sound better than an orchestra. To add to my indignities, the conductor gave the melody to the second violins and sings along, even during the performance! I knew I shouldn’t have joined, and I regret letting my mother cajole me into joining. The year prior, the teacher, who was the father of my violin teacher, suddenly disappeared during the middle of the year to go visit Taiwan. Can’t blame him, not that it mattered. With three violins and a cello, we weren’t going to get much done anyways. This year, when my teacher asked me to join, I had to yell, “No, no, no, and No!” The last I checked, the music was only about three lines long.

Then, they have their hypocrisy, without which no Communist state would truly be Communist. They once gave a lecture on recycling and reducing, as if we didn’t know them. The instructor was saying not to buy bottled water and instead buy a reusable bottle. But behind him, you could see several dozen cases of bottled water, stacked from floor to ceiling. Another time, they were telling us how unfortunate people were in some unfortunate Asian country had to write with little plastic pencil tips while they gave out pens for answering their stupid questions.

After that, they have their inefficiency. Just like all those workers would gladly build some statue for the Motherland, we have a bunch of old men with nothing better to do than volunteer at the school. I suppose it’s a good thing to volunteer, so I respect that, but what do they do? They put four people to man one crosswalk. I remember quite clearly that you only need one person for one crosswalk. I believe that’s three people less that could have been picking up trash to make our world a better place. Then they have student volunteers. These people sit in their custom volunteer sweaters (a waste of money) and are only found running errands and ringing bells. In their free time, they sit around and talk instead of fulfilling the school’s mission statement.

The food is disgusting. One time, for that aforementioned “orchestra”, if it can be called that, I had to stay afterschool for a “rehearsal”. So we had to bring our own bowl and fork and cup over to the house that the school owned on the other side of the street. The place was like land of the giants. Everything was oversized, from the sinks to the pans to the containers. Their spaghetti was too acidic and the veggies soggy. The scrambled eggs were sweet!!! Who in the world puts sugar into scrambled eggs! I’m pretty sure its not a Chinese dish. Later, after taking a look around, I saw a stack of empty cans about a foot in diameter. They read “Spaghetti Sauce” and “Chop Suey”. So our food came from these huge cans. I immediately felt sick, but everyone around me was happily chowing away at their gruel. Oh yea, there was plenty soy but no meat, and they were using Mexicans as chefs.

And that’s all I have to say about this Red organization that is somehow still open in the middle of the United States of America in which President Truman declared that the US would fight Communism everywhere in the world. Well, it’s happening in our own back yard, and I would call the Department of Homeland Security, but I don’t have their phone number. I can see how people as evil as the fascists would also hate Communism. That’s one thing Hitler got right.

April 17, 2008 at 2:19 PM 6 comments

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