Sinister Soybeans

March 6, 2008 at 5:51 AM 8 comments

I am fairly certain that soybeans are attempting world domination.

These hairy little legumes are as Wikipedia describes it, “small, inconspicuous, [and] self-fertile”. I am pretty sure that there is some extra large Master Bean lying somewhere underneath Beijing, pale white and pulsating.

At first, the soybean was just a seemingly innocent and useless plant being utilized for fertilizer. Now these things are everywhere! They’re trying to replace salt, milk, and turkey! And as if it’s not bad enough, they’re trying to replace the staple diet of meat!

After interrogation (not by torture of course, for that would be inlegume), a bean revealed to me that the plan was to replace every one of our food sources and then secrete some hormone that allows them to exert mind-control over us.Rumor has that the soybeans may have been genetically engineered by North Koreans* to become a sentient hive organism.

The soybean’s also have a contingency plan. They display temporary “beneficial” effects, deluding health conscious people to increase their demands for more soy products. Rain forests have been cleared away to make room for soy farms, attributing to less rainfall in the region, where clean water is not always available. In fact, planting soy fields is worse than using the same land to graze cows.

According to Douglas Adam’s Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy:

[Each] major Galatic civilization tends to pass through through three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry and Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why and Where phases.

For instance, the first phase is characterized by the question How can we eat? the second by the question Why do we eat? and the third by the question Where shall we have lunch?

Humans, as a civilization, have surely gotten to the point of Sophistication. As a Sophisticated species, have developed techniques to synthesize flavorful foods. It would be unseemly for us to regress to the point of eating a compost-heap of soy “meat”, which is bland, gray, textureless**, as well as detrimental. Soy contains phytoestrogens, which simulates the effects of the female signature hormones and phytates, which hampers the absorption of minerals. This could be a problem for boys, who if fed soy products at an early age may find themselves with small mammary glands and/or small penises.

Finally, processed foods are becoming notorious for causing cancer and other bad things, so why take the chance of eating mechanically-separated patties made from pesticide-sprayed soy grown on farms worked by cheap labor where quality-check is unheard of? So spare yourselves and eat the real thing. Eat meat!

*Unverified sources.
** Verified primary source: try it yourself. Nutritional information. Beneficial information disregarded.


Entry filed under: Food. Tags: , .

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8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Korn  |  March 26, 2008 at 3:58 AM

    Legumes, like soy beans, are actually on par with meats because they have a lot of amino acids. Amino acids, are crucial in protein synthesis. All amino acids have a nitrogen or amino group on the molecule. In other words, the molecule has a nitrogen with two hydrogens attached. Anyway, legumes do not need the aid of any fertilizers. They form a symbiosis with Rhizobium bacteria. The Rhizobium bacteria, also called root nodules, can fix nitrogen from the air. Nitrogen is one of the macronutrients of plants that are needed in great quantities and are often lacking in soil. Soy Beans are a major source of nutrients in third world countries that often have a lacking of many proteins in the diet. It is ironic that our atmosphere is made of 70% nitrogen.

  • 2. Moufflet  |  March 26, 2008 at 2:15 PM

    I actually knew these facts. But, I’d rather eat meat than soy, so I decided to discount them. Thanks anyways.

  • 3. christine x  |  April 21, 2008 at 4:02 AM


    i am the bane of your existence, so to speak.

    and meat? i don’t particularly like it much.

    soybeans are incredibly healthy, man. meat is ass. and i read about how like you should pour coke on the pork you buy…since you’ll see tapeworms coming out of the pork before you cook it…since pigs eat crap, literally. so yeah. there are wriggling little organisms festering in your carnivorous body D:< bring it on.

  • 4. Moufflets  |  April 21, 2008 at 4:06 AM

    The urban legend of worms and pork is false.

    Meat can be ass, but I heard that chicken butt tastes good. When making a turkey for a school event, my friends and I saved the turkey butt to prank some people, but his mom threw it away.

  • 5. christine x  |  April 21, 2008 at 4:11 AM

    you’re disgusting…the rear ends of poultry?

    anyway. fine, fine (in referral to the pork thing). BUT WHAT ABOUT MAD COW, HUH?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!!

    and plus. all that cholesterol and fat.

  • 6. Moufflets  |  April 21, 2008 at 4:17 AM

    Only 3 cases of mad-cow in the US. Besides, not necessarily spread to humans, and won’t happen if you buy from Trader Joe’s.

  • 7. Korn  |  May 5, 2008 at 5:29 AM

    Tapeworms(Phylum Platyhelminthes, class cestoidea) form a parasitic symbiosis with their host. Since they lack a gastrovascular cavity, they absorb nutrients from the host. Once they get into the host’s body, they release eggs though the feces. Contaminated water may allow for the entrance of larvae tapeworms in pig or cattle. Undercooked meat, in this case pig, has larvae tapeworms in it, so humans that eat undercooked pork may get tapeworms. COOK YOUR MEAT…. OR EAT LEGUMES like Dofu on a Stick!

    Also… tapeworms sometimes may leave your body alive, by crawling out when you are doing your business. YOu may feel the 20 inch long tapeworm coming out… EAT LEGUMES!

  • 8. Anonymous  |  June 7, 2008 at 9:30 PM

    Soy: It’s a great source of lean protein, but scientists disagree about the ability of this much-buzzed-about food to fight cancer and heart disease.
    The minimum dose: Zero, until more is known about the health benefits. But one to two servings can help you meet your daily protein needs.
    Can you overdo it? Maybe. Eat 20 grams daily or fewer (4 oz. of tofu is 8 grams). Early data suggests soy may increase breast cancer risk in some women.

    Excerpted from Yahoo Health


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